Sick

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BlackOpal
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Sick

Post by BlackOpal » Sun 23rd Dec 2007

A/N: This is a Foaly/Opal piece. So don’t read it if you don’t want to. It’s also semi-dark.

His eyes followed her across the screen, hungrily taking in her appearance. Her body was a work of her own demented genius, her ears unnaturally rounded and her breasts shrunk; she would look like a child if it wasn’t for her knowledgeable eyes. She was much taller than any fairy; her self-created pituitary gland had done that. She was bruised, prison hadn’t been kind to her and she looked battered and sunken. He enjoyed her humiliation, reveled in it. He had caused it, and he loved the feeling of absolute power.

Those eyes, so cruel and intelligent, gazed up at him glinting with amusement as she sat in the middle of the floor on her dirty, dank cell. Or rather, they gazed up at the camera that followed her movements so closely. She knew that he watched her, whether it was through her undeniable genius or obsessive paranoia could not be determined.

He desired her and hated her all at once. There was no one else who could match his technological powers, no one else to give him a challenge, no one else to beat and still feel satisfaction except for her. He craved her release; he wanted her free to wreck mayhem on society so he could destroy her, so he could see the knowledge of defeat in her eyes once more, then to keep her with him always and to take her as his own.

Her lips moved, and he watched with fascination as she mouthed the word Sick. Despite the lack of sound she kept talking to him. You’re sick, you know that? Do your little friends know that you want me? Or what about your wife? Do they know that you do this? That you watch me like some horny gnome? You take pleasure in this, in me. You’re really sick.

She winked, and he shuddered. It was hard to believe that an innocent gesture could hold so much malice. He desired her all the more for it, and she knew that.

Nobody had ever paid so much attention to her in her life, and more than anything that was what she craved. She sat in the middle of the cold cell floor, no longer caring about the dirt and mud that covered it, and stared at the camera. It was a beautiful thing, it paid constant attention to her every movement, its sleek, black skin and clear lenses appealed to her every sense. A tingling sensation spread from her toes to her brain as she calculated the speed of the blinking red light. Her jumpsuit lay open, revealing mottled, yellow skin. She knew that’s what it wanted, what the camera wanted, her pain and her body. If she didn’t give the camera what it wanted then it might leave her here, where she was not admired but hated, and where she was not feared but scorned. She’d give the camera anything, as long as it would stay. Of course, if the camera knew that it might loose interest.

S o she sat there, in her cell, as he sat there in his lab. Stalemate, neither could leave and neither could get any closer.

A/N: I didn’t really like this piece… I liked the idea, but it didn’t turn out as well as I wanted it to. It’s just… weird. Any criticism is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this far if you made it.
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Re: Sick

Post by Feandril » Sun 23rd Dec 2007

[Statement]: Very good. Very interesting I must say. I just get the feeling it's a bit empty at the beginning... I don't really know what it is, but it feels a bit...undefined and colorless. Maybe it needs more descriptions?

But I love the idea and the endings is great. Very nice work! :) :D
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Re: Sick

Post by Cabaline » Sun 23rd Dec 2007

Wow this is good, is there any more? I hope so. It has a very good beginning and some great word choice.
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Re: Sick

Post by BlackOpal » Sun 23rd Dec 2007

Hmm... thanks Feandril. I reread it trying to find the problem. Maybe it's a lack of passion on Foaly's part?

Thanks a bunch guys, but no, there isn't going to be more. I wouldn't be able to write this as a plot, it would be too demented. And nothing could happen anyway.
It's like A/H to the extreme.
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Re: Sick

Post by Meova » Sat 29th Dec 2007

I loved the story. It would be pretty sick if that really happened, but I really like how you wrote it.
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Re: Sick

Post by Feandril » Sat 29th Dec 2007

[Statement]: Yeah, I think it might be passion, but maybe more like rage. Maybe he wants to completely and utterly defeat, break and humiliate her.... you know what I mean... that would make it quite "sick". :D
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Re: Sick

Post by EarthGoddess » Wed 2nd Jan 2008

i think its really good. i love the end.
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Re: Sick

Post by _Lenore_ » Thu 3rd Jan 2008

Wow, I've never read a Foaly/Opal one before. And this wasn't what I expected....

Just so you know, that's a good thing.

Passion. Mixed feelings. Lust, maybe? Love it, love it, love it!

The one flaw is that it could have been a bit longer. Yeah, more description, I guess. Otherwise, though, I absolutely loved it.

(That's also partly why I wanted it longer. :P)

"Horny gnome"... haha :D
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Re: Sick

Post by nutrino » Thu 17th Jan 2008

A story of that context and design on our beloved forum! And you, you call your self a mod! Disgraceful! Think of the children! Only joking* (lol** :D ) That was good! It was unique, dark and against all that we ever thought. I liked it! You should try and write dark, thriller( I tried to, but in the end it wasn't that good because it wasn't my style.***).


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*** You can have the idea. A woman escapes from her abusive, pedeophilific, drug-dealer husband and has him sent to jail. He breaks out and kidnaps her two children and plants drugs in her house so she can't call the cops, so she sets out to find and kill him and rescue her children ( I was only 11 so it wasn't dark enough).
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Re: Sick

Post by carino » Thu 17th Jan 2008

I read this and I really liked it...though, like you said, something seemed off.
And then I figured out what it was: It's Foaly.
He doesn't seem like Foaly in this piece. He could be any (forgive me) child porn addict. Okay, not any, but he's not Foaly-ish enough.
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Re: Sick

Post by tigress » Mon 21st Jan 2008

This isn't exactly how I've immagined a O/F ship but its still cool
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Re: Sick

Post by BlackOpal » Tue 22nd Jan 2008

carino wrote:I read this and I really liked it...though, like you said, something seemed off.
And then I figured out what it was: It's Foaly.
He doesn't seem like Foaly in this piece. He could be any (forgive me) child porn addict. Okay, not any, but he's not Foaly-ish enough.


Yeah, I see what you mean. It was all dark Foaly, that's all I emphasized. No paranoid, self-loving centaur, just creepy. Is that what you were saying?

And Tigress, how did you picture O/F?

Thanks a bunch for the crit.
Thanks to darvit and /b/for my signature. :D
And thanks Kagoma, for the awesome birthday present that is the C&H sprite!
You can't take the sky from me.
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And it's just the beginning...

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Re: Sick

Post by tigress » Wed 23rd Jan 2008

Well, I always thought that although Opal and Folay are jealous over each other’s achievements, they have a certain admiration for each other…
...their competition could somehow turn into a slightly comical romantic relationship.
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