Sympathy for the Devil (Beta Read)

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p5ychic
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Sympathy for the Devil (Beta Read)

Post by p5ychic » Fri 10th Aug 2007

Okay, so my last two attempts at fic #10 didn't go so well. I've written the beginning of what I think is a winner. Please tell me what you think. It's a bit grittier and for more mature audiences than my previous fics. There are mostly really adult themes and sex references, but it's not lemon or anything. Holly is convinced she's going to be raped, but don't worry.

SHE DOESN'T.

Warnings: This story contains extremely mature content, and is not recommended for readers under the age of 14. Reader Discretion is Strongly Advised. Do not read if you are offended by Violence, or the suggestion of Rape, Murder, or stories involving religion.
Disclaimer: By reading this story, you release Fangathering, P5YCHIC, MichaelM, and the FanFiction editors from responsibility. Do not read further if you think you will be offended by the story's content. Should you read the story and be offended, we are not liable.

Holly hated walking home from the bar alone. Opal always wanted to stay behind to flirt with whichever guy had bought her the most expensive drink. She walked down a very dangerous street where the artificial lights flickered overhead. By the time she had gotten halfway down the street, she had been called at least six variations of the word “Sexy.”
She put her hood up. In her hand, she held a can of mace so that everyone on the block could see that she was not to be trifled with.
She let out a sigh as she reached her neighborhood. She took the key out of the pocket of her bra. If anyone ever tried to steal it, or the clip of money next to it, they would get a shock from the taser in her back pocket.
Holly was one of the deadliest women in the world.
So it came as a surprise when she opened the door, only to have a hand clasped over her mouth.
She wrestled away and sprayed the pepper spray into his eyes.
No effect.
The taser hit him square in the chest. He tore it off without wincing.
She took out her neutrino and a regular pistol. She fired both. The attacker flicked his hands and the bullet froze in midair. The neutrino beam diverted and fried the bullet.
His eyes glowed and he grabbed Holly by the arm. Holly noticed that he had the stature of a human.
Everything went black.

When she woke up, she was surprisingly cool. Her arms were strapped to two posts. The ground underneath her was red. A man in a white suit with a white tie on a black shirt stood there. He had black hair, and had a black goatee. Most interestingly, he had two horns and his eyes were completely black.
“Oh, You’re awake.” He said, in a smooth, charming voice.
He explained why and how she was brought here.

One day ago, the strange horned man had brought someone to speak to.
“George Stark.” He said. “I need a favor of you.”
“What is it, Hoss?” Stark said. “I’m not in the best mood at you.” Stark spoke with a southern accent.
“It’s not my fault you’re down here.” The man said. “You killed, it was automatic.”
“What do you want?”
“I’m willing to give you a second chance.”
“I’m listening.”
“There’s someone who’s come to life using the same method you used.” The Man said. “So you know what that means.”
“The sparrows.”
“Swarms of them. Only, they aren’t coming. The sparrows were designed to bring anyone who didn’t belong on earth away to where they do belong. However, this particular person has a way of avoiding the sparrows.”
Stark waited for a follow-up.
“She can travel in time.” The man told him. “The sparrows became so confused when she time-traveled once that the only way they can find her is if someone else leads them to her.”
“And let me guess, I’m the only other person down here who the sparrows will go after.”
“Good thinking, Stark. The rules are as follows: You have one week to reach her, starting at my word. After a week, I will send the sparrows. You have to make her so weak that the sparrows will go for her instead of you. If you succeed, the sparrows will take her in your place and you will be free to remain on earth.”
“And on the off chance I fail?”
“The sparrows will take you back and then I’ll get someone else who has the stones to finish the job.”
Stark looked hesitant.
“I have one more reward for you.” He said. “A woman. Pretty, exotic, as dangerous as you. And she’s all yours if you succeed.”
Stark accepted reluctantly.
The Man waited behind Holly’s door until she showed up. She was the reward that he told Stark about.
Stark felt a pang of worry. He had made a deal with the devil. Literally.

“So women are objects?” Holly said. “What’s your name, you chauvinist pig?”
“People call me Lucifer.” He said. “And no, women are an important part of society. I just knew that one look at you and Stark would have no choice but to succeed.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Technically, yes.”
Last edited by p5ychic on Tue 14th Aug 2007, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Sympathy for the Devil (Beta Read)

Post by Mentos_not_mental » Fri 10th Aug 2007

Wow, it seems good so far. Is it a romance fic? Or an action one? Er.. what genre is this? I am confused.
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Re: Sympathy for the Devil (Beta Read)

Post by darvit » Sun 12th Aug 2007

Congratulations, this is the third time that I'll review a fic on this forum! XD

Okay, the constructive crit first. I only have two:

1. Occasional sentence fragments [I know Colfer uses way too much of these, but it doesn't mean you should too XD]
2. Loaded sentences [e.g. "A man in a white suit with a white tie on a black shirt stood there." <-- You can cut this down and describe the suit's whiteness, the white tie--is it silky, stained, or immaculately clean?, and the black shirt--is it neatly tucked in, let loose, or something? This would add more depth to your descriptions]

This is a great start, so I have nothing else to point out! :D

The concept of the Devil has been used many times over--just make sure you give your rendition his own uniqueness, if you get what I mean.

Looking great so far! Continue! :P
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